Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Thu Dec 16, 2004 at 01:37:09 pm EST
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The Commission starring Nitz the Bloody #2
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NOTE: The racially insensitive ( to say the least ) views of the Supremacist in no way, shape, or form reflect mine. The attempt was to create an super-evil character in the style of most Mark Millar villains ( read the Authority vol. 1 13-16 for prime examples ). If you would be offended by this, then I apologize in advance, and you might want to stop reading here.

The Commission #2
By Neil Kapit

“ This world seems harder than others to conquer, Mein Fuhrer. “

“ Indeed, Herr Stein. Other worlds we have conquered have had no superhuman defenses. This one has several, including the one that defeated us in Poland. “

” What do you command, Mein Fuhrer? “

“ Rally the troops. Ready the cannons. And call out the Supremacist. “

” The Supremacist? Mein Fuhrer, please, even THEY don’t deserve.... “

” Are you disobeying me, Herr Stein? Because that is certainly what it sounds like, and you know what happens to dissenters. “

” S-sorry, Mein Fuhrer! “

” Good. Now bring me the Supremacist. Show them that we have superhumans of our own, untainted by racial color. “

“ Yes, Mein Fuhrer. “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back at the Citadel, Nitz feels no jubilation over his victory. Instead, he can’t help but feel blood on his hands. He repeatedly checks his spotless black gloves to check for human plasma. They’re always clean, but he keeps checking.

“ Don’t expect wine and roses just yet, people, “ Stanng tells his troops. “ Just because we stopped one of the Skreenazis’ attacks doesn’t mean they’ll stop attacking. They’re planning something. I can feel it. “

” Sir, what do you command of us, sir? “ The Enlisted shouts.

“ The Umbra and I will try to determine Skreenazis’ next plans from the intel we have. You all take a break for now. Bateleur, you lead Nitz to his room. “

” I have a room? “ Nitz wonders. “ You set up a room for me? “

” Of course, “ the Umbra tells Nitz, “ You’re one of us now. “

Right, Nitz thinks as the metal-clad actor/recording artist leads him down one of the Citadel’s many hallways. Whatever.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ So, “ Lance asks Nitz, putting an arm on his shoulder, “ How you like working for the Commission so far? “

” It’s okay, I guess. “ Nitz shrugs. “ How’d you get involved with this group, anyway? “

“ Stanng came to my trailer one day, and told me he’d give my career the biggest boost humanly possible. He gave me the Bateleur suit and tells me to fight ‘ evil ‘ with it, and by extension media exposure beyond my wildest and wettest dreams. “

” And how much exposure have you gotten so far? “

” Lots. Don’t you watch the news? This isn’t the first time the Commission has acted in the world. We’ve fought all sorts of nuclear mutants and aliens all over the globe. And if you’re what Stanng says you are, we’re going to get even more publicity. Which is good, because my new movie opens this Christmas, and if we get rid of those Nazis by then, I should be Hollywood’s ‘ It “ boy. More so. “

” Somehow I thought you heroes would be concerned with truth, justice, and the American way. “ Nitz sighs.

“ F--- that, “ Lance chuckles, pointing to himself. “ I’m looking out for number one. Wearing the Bateleur armor means I get unlimited publicity, enough money to buy all the snow I want, and get to work with two hot chicks with freaky superpowers. What’s not to like? Anyway, this is your room. Smell you later. “

Nitz doesn’t reply. He just sighs and walks into his room. It’s a dark blue chamber with a small bed in one corner, and a bizarre egg-shaped contraption in another. He plunges onto the bed face first.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For hours, Nitz lies on the bed, looking up at the blue stone ceiling. He reflects on the events of the day. In the early morning, he was some drunken college kid urinating in a mailbox; in the late evening, he is a post-human commando saving Warsaw from a group of alien Nazis. Some transition, and not a very comfortable one. Nitz is reviewing his options, whether or not he should stay and go through with this crazy Nazi hunt. Staying with it would probably involve killing even more people, Nazis or otherwise.

A slight tapping is heard at the door. Nitz shouts, “ Come in. “ No response. Nitz gets up and walks over to the door to see what the source of the tapping was.

It’s Molly, in her normal form. She moves her lips slightly and repeatedly, trying to speak. Nitz stares at her.

” State your business, “ Nitz mutters.

“ I-I-I-I just wanted to say h-h-hi “ She stammers, visibly shaking. Nitz can’t believe that this is the same woman who crushes tanks with her feet. “ Y-y-you’re new here, and all, and I just wanted to, w-w-welcome you.

“ Well, then, hi, “ Nitz replies. “ So what’s up? “

” Nothing much, “ Molly retorts. “ You know, that device in the corner is a Culinatronix 5000, if you want.... “

” A what? “

” Johnny invented it. It makes food out of any molecule matter. W-w-what would you like? “

” Uhhh.....banana bread? “ She pushes a button on the egg-shaped contraption, and after exactly one second, opens its hatch. Revealed is a loaf of steaming banana bread. Nitz takes a piece and quickly devours it; it tastes decent, if a little dry.

“ Thanks, “ Nitz says with his mouthful of food. “ So what’s your story? How’d you get so.... “

” Big? “ She looks away. “ I don’t really know. When I was 15 I started growing uncontrollably, and I literally outgrew my home. My parents....they disowned me.... “

Nitz’s chokes on his banana bread, and it takes some effort for him to swallow it. “ Jesus, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. “

Molly feigns a smile. “ I-I-It’s okay! Johnny found me and told me everything. He told me about how I’m the reincarnation of a Yrkaan* warrior goddess, and how I was just growing into my true form. “ She points to the chains on her neck. “ He made me this necklace, which lets me pass for normal, sort of. I don’t really know how it works, it just does.... “

” Magic doesn’t make sense, “ Nitz shrugs. “ I’ve been practicing it for over a year and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. “

” Johnny knows. He knows everything. You know he opened this dimension and built the Citadel all by himself? “

” So that’s why you work for him? “

“ I-I-I guess so....I mean, he knows everything, and I-I-I... “

A booming sound echoes through both their heads. It’s Staang’s voice. “ Attention all units, you’re needed in the Conference room. Immediately. “

“ Does he always do this? “ Nitz scowls.

“ You get used to it, “ Molly replies.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ It’s worse than I thought, people. Turns out that they have the Platinum Child. “ Stanng looks down at his console, facing away from the assembled Commission ( and Nitz ).

“ Wha’choo talkin’ about Johnny? “ Nitz asks. Nobody laughs at the reference.

Stanng turns around in his chair. “ I’m talking about the PLATINUM CHILD, Numb Nuts. Every dimension bearing human beings has a Platinum Child, a one-in-a-trillion occurrence, a unique genetic sequencing triggering an infinite energy source. A being born as a human weapon of mass destruction. In our world, the Platinum Child is me. Think of me on their side, with the increased power of Skree genetic engineering, and you have an idea of what they’re packing. “

” Okay, so if this “ Platinum Child “ is so damn powerful, why didn’t they use it when they attacked Poland yesterday? “

” Because that was just a test run. They didn’t think they’d get any opposition then. Now that they know about US, they’re going to be a lot more f---ing serious. “

” Okay, so what do we do? “

Stanng stares directly at Nitz. “ We kill them all, “ he states.

“ Hold the phone, “ Nitz shouts, “ I’m not going to participate in genocide! “

“ Oh, don’t be so dramatic, “ Stanng says condescendingly. “ We’re not killing innocent people. We’re just going to take down every last Nazi there, and then liberate whoever’s left. “

” Whoever’s left? You mean we’re going to.... “

” KILL THEM. Is that such a hard concept for you to grasp? Do we need to elaborate on why Grandpa’s not around anymore? “

” I don’t even know why I’m here, “ Nitz screams, “ But it’s not to KILL people! “

” Well, someone’s a bit of a pussy, “ Lance chuckles.

“ Don’t be such a god-damned superhero about it, “ Stanng hisses. “ The Skreenazis’ Earth is one big concentration camp. All people of color are slaves and test subjects, even the children, while the Aryan races live above the Earth in their space stations built on the backs of forced labor. You’re suggesting we show mercy to them? Mercy to the animals who bake human beings alive? “

Nitz doesn’t say a word. He just looks away, and grabs his cudgel from his hip pocket. He swings it vertically and opens a rip in the fabric of reality. He walks through it. The last thing Nitz hears is “ Fine, go leave you wuss! We can do fine without you! “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week later, back at his dorm room, Nitz still feels somehow discouraged. He was never one for groups, but he had hoped that he’d finally find a place with the Commission. Instead, he found a troubled team of unrepentant killers. Well, Molly didn’t seem so bad, but the others were completely gone.

He sits on his bed, pretending to study for his Social Psychology class. A green “ gate “ opens, and Stanng enters. There are red stains on his tan business suit.

“ Hey, “ Nitz says to Stanng. Stanng doesn’t reply.

“ How’s the hunt for the Skreenazis going? “ Still no response.

“ You know, “ Nitz exclaims, “ if we’re going to be roommates, the least we can do is talk to each other like civil human beings. “

Stanng finally turns his head to Nitz. “ I don’t converse with pussies, sorry. I’m just here to take my toiletries back to the Citadel. “

” Fine, fine.... “ Nitz shrugs. Stanng gets his red toothbrush and leaves through the same portal he entered in. Nitz turns around, sighs, and turns on the TV in his closet. He watches General Hospital for a while as his eyes start to close.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After about a half-hour, the broadcast for General Hospital cuts off. A special bulletin interrupts the show. Awoken from his fitful slumber, Nitz grumbles to himself , until he sees what the broadcast is about, and his mouth gapes with horror.

There is a very large man on the screen. He is massively muscled, suggesting years of steroid abuse. His hair is a blonde buzz cut, while his eyes are glowing blue. He is wearing a while leotard and a gray cape, with two black S-shaped lightning bolts emblazoned across his chest. Behind him are a group of men in black suits and yarmulkes, quaking in fear.

“ Guten tag, citizens of Parodopolis, “ the man says in a thick German accent. “ My name, my only name, is the Supremacist. I am the perfect man, mixing pure Aryan blood and Skree technology. I’d like to say that I’ve invaded this synagogue to call out the superhumans in this world to a fight, but the truth is I just really, really wanted to torture these Jews. “

The Supremacist gestures, and one of the rabbis flies into his hand. The camera focuses in on the rabbi’s horrified, sweaty face, as he silently prays something in Yiddish.” The only thing I hate more than blacks, Asians, and Muslims are you Kosher types, so unless any one of you super-heroes tries to stop me, I’m going to kill these Jews one-by-one. And even if you do try to stop me, I’ll still kill them all. I enjoy a good cleansing. “

Behind the Supremacist is a clattering. A giant hand bursts through the roof and tries to grab the Supremacist. An extremely deep voice tells him, “ Please don’t hurt these people any more. “ The camera focuses to the face of Massive Molly Kitsarugi, but suddenly a bolt of gray light flashes by her face, and she shifts to the side in pain.

“ You’re welcome to try to stop me, Asian girl, “ the Supremacist laughs. He continues hammering her with punches as Molly tumbles backwards, crushing most of the seatery. “ I don’t think one of you rice-eaters, no matter how big you are, is going to beat ME. “ A bolt of yellow energy hits the Aryan superhuman in the chest, as the Bateleur armor flies in front of him To the Supremacist’s back, a wide shadow forms, trying to envelop him. The Supremacist grins, starts to flash blue, and forms a large electric sphere around his body. Shocked painfully by this energy, both the Umbra and Bateleur fall from the air, plummeting to the ground, and hard.

At this point, Nitz has long since left his dorm.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the first time in all his fifteen years, Jonathan Armstrong Stanng’s eyes widen with fear. They then close following a large fist to the face.

“ Mind tricks don’t work on me, son, “ the Supremacist cackles. “ My superiors found out a way to stop your little mental games. “ He proceeds to kick Stanng in the ribs, causing a horrible, childish scream.

“ Of all you superhuman types, “ the Supremacist continues, “ You Commissioners are the most laughable. Especially the Oriental. “ He points towards the giant woman, her glasses shattered and her eyes blackened and bruised. She is nearly unconscious. “ I always wanted to be with a woman this big. You, of course, have no say in the matter. “

A scream of “ Shockeku “ sounds through the church, and the Supremacist, slightly tickled by the electricity surrounding him, turns around to see a young man with dark brown hair and eyes ( albeit hidden behind a steel mask ) pointing a long mace towards him. The Supremacist gets off his feet and dashes across the room, grabbing Nitz’s ribs.

“ The Jew! “ the Supremacist smiles. “ I was wondering when you’d show up, Kosher Boy. “ He slowly exerts pressure on Nitz, grinding his bones. Nitz stares at his foe, gritting his teeth in pain.

” You’re pretty soft, “ the Supremacist laughs. “ I suppose you Jews have had a chance to grow soft on this world, controlling everything in the country and all. On my world, you know what you’d be? EXTINCT. “

Nitz looks into the Supremacist’s eyes, and sees something he’s never seen before. It’s an expression of delight in the face of mass slaughter. The love of killing and maiming others for no other reason than they’re different from you. The Supremacist is slowly crushing Nitz to powder, and all he does is smile. Around him is a crowd of horrified people, some of them badly injured and even dead, and his eyes are completely dry. This face isn’t human, Nitz thinks. And yet, it is the essence of humanity and what it’s capable of. A painful grinding in his chest interrupts Nitz’s train of thought, and the first thing he does is shout one word....

” Terminateku. “

” Terminateku? “ the Supremacist wonders. “ Is that some kind of Yiddish cry for help? Who’s possibly going to want to help yo.... “

The Supremacist’s chest crackles with black energy, and after a deep gasp, he falls to the ground, landing on his face. Nitz lands on his feet and massages his shattered ribs. The people in the crowd look at the Priest of Zeku with disbelief. One asks, “ Is he really gone? “

” Yeah, “ Nitz answers. “ Used a death spell. His soul’s in ten thousand little pieces. “

And you know what, Nitz tells himself, that’s okay with me.

“ Stanng? “ Nitz asks the injured, bald boy lying on the ground.

“ Yeah? “

” I’d like to take you up on your offer after all. “

” Good, “ Stanng states, getting to his feet. “ We have more work to do. “

NEXT: The end and the beginning.

FOOTNOTES

* A country I just made up. Expect to hear more about it.


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